Friday, February 18, 2011
How did He do it...??
Can someone please explain to me why it is that the people of this world that you love and take care of the most are the ones who hurt you the most? I don't understand that. This last week I have taken care of a sick roommate while exposing myself to her germs and buying her the entire pharmacy of CVS, I woke up in the middle of the night at 4:15 in the morning when I had to work at 7:00am to drive to my friends house to pray with her because she woke up with bad nightmares and has been very unrested, I paid for my other friends education so that she wouldn't be dropped from classes all while trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for mine, my dog (who was my best friend) died last week and I have my roommates telling me to get over it, I say something nice and out of love to a friend to cheer her and she responds with "hahaha you're so cheesy". These are just a few minor examples of why I feel slightly trampled on by the ones I sacrifice everything for (time, sleep, money, and most importantly... my heart). I am the only one who cleans my apartment and when there are dishes in the sink and I have no time, I get to listen to the complaints of how messy our house is. I silently put up with the comments, complaints, and the lack of "thank yous" that I do NOT hear, let alone the "I love yous" I never hear either. Is it really THAT hard to appreciate and love one another? I am not claiming I am anywhere near mastering the law of love but I do try with everything in me to follow the One who is. And when I look over at these same people who encourage my loneliness, sitting next to me at church on Sunday I can't help but wonder why in the world I continue to walk the path of zero reciprocation. I don't want to be paid back, I don't need someone to listen to my bad day, I don't need someone to wake from their slumber at 4:15am, I don't need anyone to help me clean the house. But what I do need is for someone to say "thank you". I want someone to tell me that they appreciate me for putting THEM, FIRST. I want them to say they love me, knowing it isn't enough. So, all my complaining aside I realized that I can endure this, it hurts, I don't understand why the people you call your friends and family have to be the ones to use you for what you have to offer. I don't know why they always have to take a mile when I give an inch. It makes no sense how their hearts and souls can feel satisfied by treating someone they love this way. But more so than all this... what hurts me the most is that at the end of the day, even when they stepped on me and milked me for the resources I offer, I still love them more than they love me. I don't want to. I tell myself that I won't keep putting my hand out to help them then I find myself putting out both hands, but then I don't have a hand for myself, and no one is offering theirs to me, so... I do it to myself. I'm fully aware this is the case. But I can't stop. And really it’s just kind of a beautiful thing in a way because I reach out to Jesus for the strength to endure the hurt from giving and not getting. He definitely is my refuge without a doubt. And I guess really why I hurt isn't even for myself at all, it’s for Him. How did He do it? How is it that someone has so much love repeatedly for everyone, no matter what, when all they/we ever do is condemn Him, trample on Him, hurt Him, disrespect Him, and turn our back on Him and yet when we want Him or need Him, He's right there waiting with open arms. My brain honestly cannot conceptualize that kind of love, it’s impossible for me to understand that. That's really why my heart aches... it’s because in the pain I feel from the outside earthly people I can only think of Him and how He prevailed against the world who turned their back on Him. I only have to deal with this with the people I'm surrounded by. He has to endure that pain from EVERY SINGLE PERSON in this whole huge world. I wish I could take that pain from Him. It hurts me we do it to the person who deserves it the least. And it’s in that, that I know I can do it. I can certainly get thru it with roommates and sisters and classmates. But still, my question remains unanswered... and I really am curious about that answer. Why is it the people who are supposed to love and care for us most, hurt us the most? The ones we truly sacrifice for? Why is it so hard to say "thank you" and "I love you?" Last time I checked it doesn't take time, money, or even much effort to let someone know you love them. And that they're special. And that you're happy they are here with you. It's not hard. If Jesus can do it for the world, we can certainly do it for each other.