Friday, February 18, 2011
Can someone please explain to me why it is that the people of this world that you love and take care of the most are the ones who hurt you the most? I don't understand that. This last week I have taken care of a sick roommate while exposing myself to her germs and buying her the entire pharmacy of CVS, I woke up in the middle of the night at 4:15 in the morning when I had to work at 7:00am to drive to my friends house to pray with her because she woke up with bad nightmares and has been very unrested, I paid for my other friends education so that she wouldn't be dropped from classes all while trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for mine, my dog (who was my best friend) died last week and I have my roommates telling me to get over it, I say something nice and out of love to a friend to cheer her and she responds with "hahaha you're so cheesy". These are just a few minor examples of why I feel slightly trampled on by the ones I sacrifice everything for (time, sleep, money, and most importantly... my heart). I am the only one who cleans my apartment and when there are dishes in the sink and I have no time, I get to listen to the complaints of how messy our house is. I silently put up with the comments, complaints, and the lack of "thank yous" that I do NOT hear, let alone the "I love yous" I never hear either. Is it really THAT hard to appreciate and love one another? I am not claiming I am anywhere near mastering the law of love but I do try with everything in me to follow the One who is. And when I look over at these same people who encourage my loneliness, sitting next to me at church on Sunday I can't help but wonder why in the world I continue to walk the path of zero reciprocation. I don't want to be paid back, I don't need someone to listen to my bad day, I don't need someone to wake from their slumber at 4:15am, I don't need anyone to help me clean the house. But what I do need is for someone to say "thank you". I want someone to tell me that they appreciate me for putting THEM, FIRST. I want them to say they love me, knowing it isn't enough. So, all my complaining aside I realized that I can endure this, it hurts, I don't understand why the people you call your friends and family have to be the ones to use you for what you have to offer. I don't know why they always have to take a mile when I give an inch. It makes no sense how their hearts and souls can feel satisfied by treating someone they love this way. But more so than all this... what hurts me the most is that at the end of the day, even when they stepped on me and milked me for the resources I offer, I still love them more than they love me. I don't want to. I tell myself that I won't keep putting my hand out to help them then I find myself putting out both hands, but then I don't have a hand for myself, and no one is offering theirs to me, so... I do it to myself. I'm fully aware this is the case. But I can't stop. And really it’s just kind of a beautiful thing in a way because I reach out to Jesus for the strength to endure the hurt from giving and not getting. He definitely is my refuge without a doubt. And I guess really why I hurt isn't even for myself at all, it’s for Him. How did He do it? How is it that someone has so much love repeatedly for everyone, no matter what, when all they/we ever do is condemn Him, trample on Him, hurt Him, disrespect Him, and turn our back on Him and yet when we want Him or need Him, He's right there waiting with open arms. My brain honestly cannot conceptualize that kind of love, it’s impossible for me to understand that. That's really why my heart aches... it’s because in the pain I feel from the outside earthly people I can only think of Him and how He prevailed against the world who turned their back on Him. I only have to deal with this with the people I'm surrounded by. He has to endure that pain from EVERY SINGLE PERSON in this whole huge world. I wish I could take that pain from Him. It hurts me we do it to the person who deserves it the least. And it’s in that, that I know I can do it. I can certainly get thru it with roommates and sisters and classmates. But still, my question remains unanswered... and I really am curious about that answer. Why is it the people who are supposed to love and care for us most, hurt us the most? The ones we truly sacrifice for? Why is it so hard to say "thank you" and "I love you?" Last time I checked it doesn't take time, money, or even much effort to let someone know you love them. And that they're special. And that you're happy they are here with you. It's not hard. If Jesus can do it for the world, we can certainly do it for each other.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Its 2:08am. I have to wake up at 6:00am. Sweet. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted and wide awake, completely at peace with it though. Maybe its because I know that Starbucks has a new coffee size called the Trenta that's nearly twice the size of the Venti that I will have all the justification in the world to drink tomorrow. Orrr maybe its because God has me thinking... a lot. He is challenging me now with this crazy little thing called LOVE. Maybe you've heard of it ;) Not a challenge with a friend, parent, roommate... no, no, no... that would be too simple. It's much bigger than that. It's His love. Can I take it?? I certainly hope so. Cause until I do somethings telling me there's gunna be a loooot more sleepless nights... I think its time to start receiving that little thing called love. He gives it whether we take it or not. Taking it seems to be the better option. At least at... 2:24 in the morning :)
Friday, February 4, 2011
I am so exhausted right now. It's been such a long day. Quite possibly the hardest day I've had at work in the whole 2 years that I've had this job. I listened to screaming babies for 13 hours straight, the 2 year old climbed out of his crib during "nap" time and threw all his toys around his room and pulled all his books off his bookshelf. The 10 month old is teething (always fun) and was drowning in her own snot because she also has a cold. Today was a day of temper tantrums galore, time-outs, food fights, and did I mention 13 hours of screaming? This is NOT the cure to the migraines I've been having lately. So, this has been my day. And if it weren't for me being able to pray my way through it (particularly for patience) I wouldn't have made it though. So, that being said... if I'm appearing to lose my sanity tomorrow, its probably because I am and I will apologize ahead of time (just bare with me, it won't last). Anyways, 2 sleeping pills and a big mug of sleepytime tea later... I am off to some much needed sleep (very exciting Friday night). Look forward to tomorrow... Mucho love to you all.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Ok my fellow bloggers who are way more on top of their blogs than I am... I honestly have had so many thoughts and ideas overwhelming my mind (in a good way) that I feel like there's almost too much to write about that I have nothing to write about. Which is odd for me because I am never lacking in words, this is a first and hopefully not a last. After our topic of being slow to speak and listening to the Spirit of God I have really been praying for this to become a habit for me. Maybe God is answering my prayers... because I have noticed myself oddly silent (for me) lately. I'm not one to be alone, but Friday night I came home, had the apartment to myself and refused to put on my ipod. Instead I opened my Bible and LISTENED in silence to the word of God and what He was trying to say to me. I found that opening my heart up to listening is actually more effective than opening up my ears. I am very good at hearing but listening is one I do selectively. I made efforts to shut my mouth in times I was bursting at the seams to speak and in doing so was the result of learning so much more about the ones around me and noticing the things that surround me. A friend who is very good at listening suddenly became the sole speaker in our conversation and I saw a side of her I had never seen... because she filled my silence with her words. It was beautiful and I noticed that I went from biting my tongue at the beginning to smiling at the end, because I was opening my heart to not only hear her, but to listen. I've noticed myself growing to like the silence more... I actually notice that other things exist; like birds outside my window, people riding bikes, and the lady cleaning the bathroom at Target whom I was able to humbly thank because I actually noticed her. Being silent and slow to speak brings the Holy Spirit in me much more prevalent as I can listen to what He is trying to do in me and through me rather than just hearing myself speak words. As I started off I had said there was so many thoughts in my mind that I almost had nothing to say because I had too much to say and I said it was a good thing, here's why: Because I have been consciously more silent, the words I would speak stay in my mind, and I allow what's in my mind to converse with what's in my heart and in my heart inlays the Holy Spirit and so therefor it is Him I speak with rather than just babbling words to earthly things and people. Although human companionship is necessary and created for us by God, it is His response that is the only one that matters and it is in Him that we find listening with our heart is far more effective than hearing with our ears. So when we do speak, we can speak the words of God and not the words of our mind.