I PROMISE!!

K so here's the deal... Remember last Saturday when Bayley so honestly confessed that she sucked at Circles?? Well, for the last 2 weeks or so, I do too so we can suck together Bayley. I really suck. I haven't even checked my emails so if Darin's emailing us- oops! I currently have like 384 unread emails, sweet. And I haven't read a single blog this week, I halfway read a few last week and I didn't even write one last week. So I'm like "shoot, I have to write one tonight, read a million tonight, do the Orbiter tonight, etc etc..." You get the idea. Meanwhile my house is a DISASTERRR!!! And I really can't even be in it until it at least appears clean, even if that means putting the silver wear in my pajama drawer. And here's the other thing... I've had quite the week, I really have. Great things/crappy things, good mood/bad mood, sleep/no sleep, love/no love, up/down, all around. Umm not to mention today I brought a 2 year and an 11 month old to the hospital for stitches by myself (so fun) and that was a 4 hour dilemma (only 4), then I listened to them scream for 13 hours straight (music to my ears), and no one napped (perfect, I hate nap time anyway). Guess who eventually had the biggest meltdown of us all though? ME! Today made me want to walk out on my job, run away, and never be a mom. So all of you who wanna be parents... this is your future, look forward to it. Sooo that being said… thinking about writing a blog seems to be like something I really can't set my mind on doing, so instead I wrote a blog about how I can't write a blog... Ugh this is what happens when you're around screaming children too much. I DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!! Anyways, I have the house to myself tonight- praise God!! So instead of halfway reading your blogs, I really need to finish this week off as a sucky Circles week (that I totally take ownership of) and "clean" my house and watch a movie. So that's what I'm going to do buuuuut... I PROMISE that from now on I will not fail miserably at my correspondence via computer. (p.s. side note: I really hate technology). Kinda wouldn't mind lighting candles and writing letters, I like it old school, Amish style. :) Anyways, I can only go up from here right? Hope you all understand, gunna go curl up all alone (yay!) and put on some Modern Family episodes and eat some frozen grapes, doesn't change my love for ya'll tho! :)

How did He do it...??

Can someone please explain to me why it is that the people of this world that you love and take care of the most are the ones who hurt you the most? I don't understand that. This last week I have taken care of a sick roommate while exposing myself to her germs and buying her the entire pharmacy of CVS, I woke up in the middle of the night at 4:15 in the morning when I had to work at 7:00am to drive to my friends house to pray with her because she woke up with bad nightmares and has been very unrested, I paid for my other friends education so that she wouldn't be dropped from classes all while trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for mine, my dog (who was my best friend) died last week and I have my roommates telling me to get over it, I say something nice and out of love to a friend to cheer her and she responds with "hahaha you're so cheesy". These are just a few minor examples of why I feel slightly trampled on by the ones I sacrifice everything for (time, sleep, money, and most importantly... my heart). I am the only one who cleans my apartment and when there are dishes in the sink and I have no time, I get to listen to the complaints of how messy our house is. I silently put up with the comments, complaints, and the lack of "thank yous" that I do NOT hear, let alone the "I love yous" I never hear either. Is it really THAT hard to appreciate and love one another? I am not claiming I am anywhere near mastering the law of love but I do try with everything in me to follow the One who is. And when I look over at these same people who encourage my loneliness, sitting next to me at church on Sunday I can't help but wonder why in the world I continue to walk the path of zero reciprocation. I don't want to be paid back, I don't need someone to listen to my bad day, I don't need someone to wake from their slumber at 4:15am, I don't need anyone to help me clean the house. But what I do need is for someone to say "thank you". I want someone to tell me that they appreciate me for putting THEM, FIRST. I want them to say they love me, knowing it isn't enough. So, all my complaining aside I realized that I can endure this, it hurts, I don't understand why the people you call your friends and family have to be the ones to use you for what you have to offer. I don't know why they always have to take a mile when I give an inch. It makes no sense how their hearts and souls can feel satisfied by treating someone they love this way. But more so than all this... what hurts me the most is that at the end of the day, even when they stepped on me and milked me for the resources I offer, I still love them more than they love me. I don't want to. I tell myself that I won't keep putting my hand out to help them then I find myself putting out both hands, but then I don't have a hand for myself, and no one is offering theirs to me, so... I do it to myself. I'm fully aware this is the case. But I can't stop. And really it’s just kind of a beautiful thing in a way because I reach out to Jesus for the strength to endure the hurt from giving and not getting. He definitely is my refuge without a doubt. And I guess really why I hurt isn't even for myself at all, it’s for Him. How did He do it? How is it that someone has so much love repeatedly for everyone, no matter what, when all they/we ever do is condemn Him, trample on Him, hurt Him, disrespect Him, and turn our back on Him and yet when we want Him or need Him, He's right there waiting with open arms. My brain honestly cannot conceptualize that kind of love, it’s impossible for me to understand that. That's really why my heart aches... it’s because in the pain I feel from the outside earthly people I can only think of Him and how He prevailed against the world who turned their back on Him. I only have to deal with this with the people I'm surrounded by. He has to endure that pain from EVERY SINGLE PERSON in this whole huge world. I wish I could take that pain from Him. It hurts me we do it to the person who deserves it the least. And it’s in that, that I know I can do it. I can certainly get thru it with roommates and sisters and classmates. But still, my question remains unanswered... and I really am curious about that answer. Why is it the people who are supposed to love and care for us most, hurt us the most? The ones we truly sacrifice for? Why is it so hard to say "thank you" and "I love you?" Last time I checked it doesn't take time, money, or even much effort to let someone know you love them. And that they're special. And that you're happy they are here with you. It's not hard. If Jesus can do it for the world, we can certainly do it for each other.

my thoughts on valentine's day:

John 3:16

enough said.

happy valentine's daaaaay!!! much love <3

sleep... what's that?

Its 2:08am. I have to wake up at 6:00am. Sweet. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted and wide awake, completely at peace with it though. Maybe its because I know that Starbucks has a new coffee size called the Trenta that's nearly twice the size of the Venti that I will have all the justification in the world to drink tomorrow. Orrr maybe its because God has me thinking... a lot. He is challenging me now with this crazy little thing called LOVE. Maybe you've heard of it ;) Not a challenge with a friend, parent, roommate... no, no, no... that would be too simple. It's much bigger than that. It's His love. Can I take it?? I certainly hope so. Cause until I do somethings telling me there's gunna be a loooot more sleepless nights... I think its time to start receiving that little thing called love. He gives it whether we take it or not. Taking it seems to be the better option. At least at... 2:24 in the morning :)

Honestly...

I am so exhausted right now. It's been such a long day. Quite possibly the hardest day I've had at work in the whole 2 years that I've had this job. I listened to screaming babies for 13 hours straight, the 2 year old climbed out of his crib during "nap" time and threw all his toys around his room and pulled all his books off his bookshelf. The 10 month old is teething (always fun) and was drowning in her own snot because she also has a cold. Today was a day of temper tantrums galore, time-outs, food fights, and did I mention 13 hours of screaming? This is NOT the cure to the migraines I've been having lately. So, this has been my day. And if it weren't for me being able to pray my way through it (particularly for patience) I wouldn't have made it though. So, that being said... if I'm appearing to lose my sanity tomorrow, its probably because I am and I will apologize ahead of time (just bare with me, it won't last). Anyways, 2 sleeping pills and a big mug of sleepytime tea later... I am off to some much needed sleep (very exciting Friday night). Look forward to tomorrow... Mucho love to you all.

Listening with your heart

Ok my fellow bloggers who are way more on top of their blogs than I am... I honestly have had so many thoughts and ideas overwhelming my mind (in a good way) that I feel like there's almost too much to write about that I have nothing to write about. Which is odd for me because I am never lacking in words, this is a first and hopefully not a last. After our topic of being slow to speak and listening to the Spirit of God I have really been praying for this to become a habit for me. Maybe God is answering my prayers... because I have noticed myself oddly silent (for me) lately. I'm not one to be alone, but Friday night I came home, had the apartment to myself and refused to put on my ipod. Instead I opened my Bible and LISTENED in silence to the word of God and what He was trying to say to me. I found that opening my heart up to listening is actually more effective than opening up my ears. I am very good at hearing but listening is one I do selectively. I made efforts to shut my mouth in times I was bursting at the seams to speak and in doing so was the result of learning so much more about the ones around me and noticing the things that surround me. A friend who is very good at listening suddenly became the sole speaker in our conversation and I saw a side of her I had never seen... because she filled my silence with her words. It was beautiful and I noticed that I went from biting my tongue at the beginning to smiling at the end, because I was opening my heart to not only hear her, but to listen. I've noticed myself growing to like the silence more... I actually notice that other things exist; like birds outside my window, people riding bikes, and the lady cleaning the bathroom at Target whom I was able to humbly thank because I actually noticed her. Being silent and slow to speak brings the Holy Spirit in me much more prevalent as I can listen to what He is trying to do in me and through me rather than just hearing myself speak words. As I started off I had said there was so many thoughts in my mind that I almost had nothing to say because I had too much to say and I said it was a good thing, here's why: Because I have been consciously more silent, the words I would speak stay in my mind, and I allow what's in my mind to converse with what's in my heart and in my heart inlays the Holy Spirit and so therefor it is Him I speak with rather than just babbling words to earthly things and people. Although human companionship is necessary and created for us by God, it is His response that is the only one that matters and it is in Him that we find listening with our heart is far more effective than hearing with our ears. So when we do speak, we can speak the words of God and not the words of our mind.

In the beginning...

I was born in Mission Viejo, California on May 23, 1988. I had an interesting life right off the bat. Immediately after my birth my parents divorced, and my then father left his responsibilities just a few months into my life. For awhile it was just my mom and I, until God blessed me with the greatest dad I could ever ask for. My mom remarried and I was adopted by a man I now call my hero. For awhile I lived the spoiled life of an only child and was later blessed with a little sister and brother. My family bounced around between Minnesota and California a couple times so I consider both states my home but did most of my growing up in the frozen tundra of a small river town in Minnesota. Throughout my childhood years and all through High School, sports were the center of my focus. I participated in swimming and synchronized swimming and was fortunate enough to have gotten the opportunity to travel and compete for many of those years. I was also involved in my church growing up, and still laugh that I somehow made it into the choir because if there's one thing anyone who knows me can say, is that I am the definition of tone deaf, but clearly that didn't stop me or my church. High school wasn't all fun and games though as most can probably contest to... it was certainly a rollercoaster for me at times with emotional highs and lows. It was around that time I lost one of the closest things to me to breast cancer, my grandma who I called Bennie. She was my rock and to this day I miss her more than words can express, but I feel her presence always near. Her death was unfortunately the catalyst for a few struggling years to come. None the less, I praise God for getting me through those tough years and I can honestly say that was my first experience with God divinely intervening in my life to change me for the better and get me on track. I gained focus and headed to an even colder state for college. I attended my freshman year of college at the University of North Dakota. It was a great experience and it certainly provided me with several life experiences and gave me the opportunity to make lots of decisions and with that a lot of mistakes, but ones that I have fortunately grown from. I eventually got sick of being frozen the majority of time and walking to class in underground tunnels so I headed back down to Minnesota where it wasn't much warmer. I tried to get back on track with what I wanted for my future and who I was in this world. In doing so I took another detour and found myself at rock bottom, and praise God that was the last time. It was then God saved me from myself yet again and He took me back to California where my heart is and always was. It was then I made the decision to rely on Him and depend on Him ONLY. And what do you know it was then that my life drastically transformed to a joy and love I've never felt in my life. I saw and seeked Jesus for myself and found that it was by Him, that was the only life worth living. I've been here in California for three years now and couldn't be happier and more content with where I'm at and it’s all because I chose to live for the glory of God. My whole family now resides in Texas and I miss them terribly but am so fortunate that I have a loving, supportive family. After Jesus, they are my rock. I've been a nanny for 2 years for 2 little angels that I love so much! I went from attending Orange Coast College to a new door that God just opened up at a school called Victory Bible Institute where I am working toward my diploma in Biblical therapy. I live with three of the greatest girls that God has blessed me with, they are my best friends and the Holy Spirit is the center of our relationship and our home. Without them I wouldn't be where I am in my life and my relationship with God. We all attend Rockharbor and I love that church and community with such a passion and I can't wait to see what God is going to do there and how He is going to move our church to spread His word and the Holy Spirit not just within our local communities but throughout the world. Overall I can say that I am truly blessed in all areas of my life and I don't know what I did to deserve the life I have but I am sure glad that God deeded the life I have appropriate because I couldn't be happier or more grateful. I am just so stoked that I have the opportunity to live for Him all day, every day! I can't wait to see how God will move in me for even more chances to do everything to glorify and praise Him. God's adventure for us is by far the greatest gift and I'm just so excited to see what adventure He has chosen for me. I pray His blessings on the world and everyone in it! :)